Parashat Ki Teitzei 5786
Rabbi Shmuel Rabinowitz, Rabbi of the Western Wall and Holy Sites
Studies examining the factors that contribute to a person’s emotional stability and success in life show that, alongside basic needs such as a livelihood, personal recognition, and a roof over one’s head, the human soul needs a place that is safe, stable, and familiar. A place that completes us, fills our hearts, and gives us a sense of continuity, belonging, and new creation.
That place is called family – a spouse and children. A warm environment, shared experiences, and above all, the creation of life and the raising of a new generation, born from the bond between two souls who have connected and chosen to complete one another.
This need is already described at the very beginning of creation. Immediately after the creation of Adam, the Torah says:
“It is not good for man to be alone; I will make for him a fitting helper.”
(Genesis 2:18)
Since then, this feeling has been familiar to the majority of human beings. In one way or another, a person encounters the soul that complements him or her. From that moment, they feel that there is a genuine connection between them. After some time, it may seem obvious that the right thing to do is to build a home together and create new life.
But a profound question arises. Those very people who once experienced an extraordinary sense of completeness, who could not imagine their lives without the person who seemed to be their missing half, sometimes become strangers to one another after a period of time. The magic fades, the sparkle dims, and suddenly they are no longer certain that they made the right decision.
How does this phenomenon fit with the wedding photographs and moving videos, in which two people appear to have found their entire world in one another? Was everything they felt at the time not real? How is it possible that so many people who married out of profound closeness eventually arrive at a place of distance and even separation?
The question becomes even more compelling when we read the verses in this week’s Torah portion that address the painful subject of marriages that have failed:
“If a man takes a wife and marries her, and she does not find favor in his eyes because he has found something improper in her, and he writes her a bill of divorce, places it in her hand, and sends her away from his house…”
(Deuteronomy 24:1)
The reader is left wondering: How is it possible that the very woman he himself chose suddenly no longer finds favor in his eyes? How did all those dreams suddenly turn into a huge disappointment? All the good qualities for which they married have seemingly disappeared, and suddenly, in almost everything, they find something they dislike.
Indeed, our Sages said:
“Whoever divorces his first wife – even the altar sheds tears over him.”
(Babylonian Talmud, Gittin 90b)
We are therefore called upon to offer a deep and genuine answer to this painful question: Why does this really happen?
Rabbi Meir Leibush – the Malbim, in his commentary on the Torah, presents a perspective very different from the one commonly accepted today. In the modern world, people want to know everything in advance and only then make a decision. If they aren’t certain that they know the person standing before them completely and fully understand what they are entering into, they find it difficult to move forward. It is therefore common for people to know one another for many years before getting married.
But this very approach can create a problem. When love is built entirely before marriage, a couple may reach the wedding ceremony after having already brought their relationship to its emotional peak. They expect marriage to continue that same feeling of exhilaration, but sometimes it is only after the wedding that differences, challenges, and weaknesses begin to emerge- things that were not apparent beforehand.
The traditional Jewish approach, known as shidduchim – matchmaking – is based, to a large extent, on the opposite idea. After examining the compatibility between the couple in the areas that are important for family life, they begin to build their love together. The goal is not to finish building the love before marriage, but to begin building it through marriage.
When a couple builds their life together, every shared experience, every challenge they overcome, every act of kindness, and every expression of devotion adds another layer to their relationship. Love therefore does not remain static; it can deepen, mature, and grow stronger over the years.
The relationship between a man and a woman is also, in a sense, a reflection of the relationship between a person and his Creator. Both are founded on connection, giving and receiving, and the creation of a bond that does not rest solely on a passing emotion, but on deep commitment.
During these days – the Days of Mercy and Selichot, when a person is called upon to draw closer to our Creator – we may approach God with that same attitude: First let me understand everything; first let me feel comfortable; first let me manage to connect – and only then will I commit myself. But the Jewish path suggests the opposite movement.
First, we connect. We observe the mitzvot. We increase our good deeds. We create a relationship through our actions, even when the emotion is not yet complete. Then, as the soul becomes filled, love grows and the connection becomes deeper.
May we merit to walk the right path and to experience everlasting love.
