Acharei Mot 5782
Rabbi Shmuel Rabinowitz, Rabbi of the Western Wall and Holy Sites
In Parashat Acharei Mot, we read a list of prohibitions regarding intimacy and relations within the family. After the title, “No man shall come near to any of his close relatives, to uncover [their] nakedness,” the Torah delineates the list of relatives that are prohibited from marrying one another: a mother and son, brother and sister, father and daughter, etc.
These prohibitions were accepted by all of humanity. They were also accepted by all known ancient cultures, though in some there were exceptions. For example, in ancient Egypt, there were kings who married their sisters. The main innovation in this list are the reasons offered by the Torah for some of the prohibitions. Some of the reasons are mentioned in this week’s Torah portion and others in next week’s, Kedoshim, where we read of the very severe punishments given to those who transgress.
For example, this is how the Torah refers to the obvious prohibition of marriage between a brother and a sister:
And a man who takes his sister, whether his father’s daughter or his mother’s daughter, and he sees her nakedness, and she sees his nakedness it is a chessed, and they shall be cut off before the eyes of the members of their people…
(Leviticus 20, 17)
Why is a prohibited marriage between a brother and a sister referred to as a “chessed,” a word that usually has a positive connotation of loving-kindness? Indeed, some commentators wrote that the meaning of “chessed” in this context is different from the one in other places in the Torah. Here, the meaning is disgrace, and not loving-kindness. Another commentator of the 13th century wrote that this is a case in which a man thinks he is doing an act of “chessed,” of loving-kindness, with his sister. “This man has a sister who is poor and he cannot marry her off to another. He thinks in his heart to do an act of ‘chessed’ with her by taking his sister, and he is convinced this is an act of kindness” (Rabbi Chaim Paltiel).
Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch (among the leaders of the Jewish community in Germany of the 19th century) explained that the term “chessed” in this verse connotes devotion to another that deviates from the norm. Usually, devotion is positive and praise-worthy, but here, explains Rabbi Hirsch, the devotion is negative and disgraceful.
Let us follow this train of thought. The concept of “chessed” indeed connotes devotion to another, and perhaps also empathy and emotional closeness. Emotional closeness and friendship that exist naturally between a brother and a sister are familiar to all of us. Family is a person’s closest support system; the people he leans on and draws strength from in times of need.
But here’s where a serious error can occur. Can the friendship between a brother and sister be a good foundation for an intimate relationship? The Torah, which categorically forbids this, points to the problem in such a relationship. “It is a chessed.” It is a relationship founded on natural closeness and therefore it has no basis as an intimate relationship.
The power of an intimate relationship between a couple stems from the fact that the man and woman bring different personalities to the relationship, different cultural backgrounds, and different perspectives on life. Every married person knows this: A short time after a couple marries, the stardust settles and they discover their differences. Now they need to embark on a journey of slowly growing closer to one another until they succeed in establishing a stable relationship based on will and effort. Then they create their own intimate relationship – something new, a human wonder, that neither of them had when alone and which does not exist with any other couple except them.
To correctly build a relationship between a couple, they must have those differences, that will to think of the other, to get closer and to take him or her into consideration. There is no way to skip that journey, and anyone who succeeds in it can attest to the fact that it is well worth the effort. Happiness does not come easily. But when it does – it justifies the effort required to achieve it.
Marriage between a brother and a sister, or between family relations in general, expresses an attempt to skip the differences and build a relationship devoid of effort and investment. Not only will this fail, but it is also disgraceful and forbidden. In order to attain the happiness and love of an intimate relationship between a couple, there must be the willingness to work hard, make sacrifices, and make the effort.
